Despite this being a "Lingering in the Light" post, there really isn't a lot of light in which to linger, thanks to the lovely rain. But I'll make do with some lamplight, because this post is weighing on my heart.
A couple of days ago I posted a LITL blog about paying the bills and drawing up our budget. I talked about how difficult it is for me to put all the trust in God's provision, when the math is sitting right in front of me, and the numbers say it won't work.
This is a strange occurrence for me, this worrying thing. I have never really been one to worry, but rather to trust completely on God's plan and just sort of go with it. "Fake it until I make it," as a friend once told me. But then again I have never really had to resources to worry about. I came from a very humble background, where ends hardly ever met, but we were provided for. Early on I was a child, and so I probably didn't even notice how much we struggled. Later, we had no money at all, really, so there wasn't anything to manage.
But now, woe is me, I am blessed with a husband who makes what is, in my experience, a generous salary, one that sufficiently meets our needs. (or rather, one that God has granted us, in order to meet our needs. you know what I mean.)
So now, out on our own, it is our job to do things like make sure the lights stay on and the car keeps running (I'll come back to that one). Now it is up to me to put the numbers in a column and draw the line of what gets paid and what may have to wait until the next paycheck.
So the other day I posted Matthew 6:25-34, specifically:
"Look at the bird of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (verse 26)
I believe that. I believe that there is no reason to worry when you are walking in God's will. He will provide all, and that which he does not provide, you didn't really need anyway. But maybe God wanted to test that belief. DO I truly believe it, or was a posting a blog about because it's something I'm supposed to say or it sounds good?
Well the next morning the test came. We woke up and got ready for church. We went out to walk around the corner (it was rainy; usually we just walk through our back yard. that's how close we live.) and Peden went to look for his Bible in my car. Well, there it was.
Yep. During the rain Saturday night, a limb fell out of the rotten tree in front of our house and landed smack dab on my windshield. So. This is going to be expensive. It;s gonna have to wait, because we aren't certain where the money is going to come from. But aside from all that. What were our reactions?
Peden: "Why do these things keep happening to us?"
Savy: "These things happen to everyone. It'll work out."
YES! PASSED THE TEST. Now don't get me wrong. I am not excited because I think I am more spiritual than Peden or that I got this cool story to prove to you how spiritual I am. That is not the case at all. I am thoroughly bummed about my car.
What I am excited about has to do with me on the inside. Sometimes we all doubt out intentions or our motives. Do we really feel the way we put on? Are we as confident as we want others to think we are? Was I really honest when I said I trusted God completely, or was it a broken record that I had trained myself to play when thing got tough?
Well I like to think that the Bible reassures me on this one. Let me explain.
In Matthew 12, Jesus speaks of a tree being known by its fruit. I good tree cannot produce bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot produce good fruit. (Trust me on this one. This stuff pays the bills. :P) In verse 34, he says, "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Later, when he speaks on defiling oneself with one's speech, he says, "What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart."
Solomon records in Proverbs chapter 4 a passage titled "A Father's Wise Instruction."
"My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. [...] For they are life to those who find them, and to all their flesh. Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." (verses 20, 22-23)
My point is that, Sunday morning, when I showed no anger or fear in regards to the accident that had happened the night before, those words sprang from my heart. It reassures me that I do believe the things I say. And I hope that those words renewed my husband as well, gave him life. For the wise father put such weight on words that he attributed them the power of life and death. And that life, he says, springs from the heart.
Do I know exactly how or when the car will be fixed? no. Am I gonna have to suck it up and drive it once in a while? yes. Am I worried? ...
Nope. :) And that's from the heart.
How often do you say encouraging things to others, but they aren't really true in your heart? Or how has God assured of the things you have spoken, those which do flow from your heart?